They’re two of Halfway II Heaven’s most recognisable queens, but how well do they know each other? We asked Miss Penny and Martha D’Arthur a set of Mr and Mrs style questions to find out.
Miss Penny
How old is Martha?
Well I don’t know if I should comment on this really as I know you should never say a lady’s age. However, she ain’t no lady, so I think she’s 38.
What is her favourite drink?
She’ll drink anything that slips down her throat easy. She’s a Bacardi girl, cheap and simple, like the bottle design.
What can you remember about when you first met her?
I remember seeing Martha many years ago in a place called The Hoist and I remember thinking ‘What marvellous muscle control’ as I walked by her in a sling as a man stood beside her wearing a rubber glove. A few years later we worked together on a show and have become close friends. Well, ish. Kind of.
If you had to describe her to an alien, what would you say?
She’s a woman with extra credentials, so don’t be surprised if you find something ‘amiss’. She likes a pasty if you need to trap her. She’s fairly tall with a busty chest that can eclipse the sun and hair that changes colour like a chameleon, so she a be tricky creature to find. If you can’t see her you might be able to hear her mellow tones floating through the air, usually singing My Heart Will Go On or Gangsta’s Paradise.
What is her favourite thing to do when not performing?
Eating contests, gardening – she likes being green fingered. I do know Martha is a supreme whizz in the kitchen – a master baker, if you will. The problem is no one gets to try it because she eats it all on the way into London. She’ll be taking orders for her Christmas meat butter – what the rest of us call pate – soon, so get in early kids…
Who is her celebrity crush?
I would have said Barry Manilow a few weeks ago, but that’s a bit mute now isn’t it? That said, Martha being a soft soul, you would expect it to be someone like Tom Selleck, when in reality she’s still got posters above her bed of Brad Pitt and Jean-Claude Van Damme. A bit if hair and muscles and she swoons. Mind you, don’t we all…
How much do you love her?
Is this where I have to be nice? OK, in total honesty Martha and I are very good friends, almost lesbian lovers after prosecco. She is a lovely soul – a kind hearted, food loving, Bacardi swilling, Greggs gorger, talented, witty and very intelligent person who I am lucky to call a friend and whom I wouldn’t swap for the world. Apart from the fucking My Heart Will Go On song.
Martha D’Arthur
How old is Miss Penny?
Younger than she looks. Somewhere between dementia and loss of bladder control.
What is her favourite drink?
Alcohol mixed with the tears of past lovers.
What can you remember about when you first met her?
I watched her perform with awe and wonder and remember thinking to myself ‘At last, a drag queen chunkier than I am…’
If you had to describe her to an alien, what would you say?
Look in a mirror. Now add hair. And a voice like if Bernard Manning and Aled Jones had a baby.
What is her favourite thing to do when not performing?
Gargling with gravel, shoplifting, putting cigarettes out on children and stealing food from other people’s plates in restaurants when they’re not looking.
Who is her celebrity crush?
Ann Widdecombe.
How much do you love her?
Lots. Lots and lots actually. So much that I’d never hear a word against her unless I was saying it behind her back. Not so much that you couldn’t take her off my hands for a scented candle and a bag of Nik Naks. She’s my chum and always will be.
Entry is free.
Halfway II Heaven, 7 Duncannon Street, Charing Cross, London, WC2N 4JF.
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